Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Well, I'm not exactly off to a great start for National Novel Writing Month ... I knew it started November first.  I certainly knew the date yesterday ... it just never occurred to me to connect the two.  And so my first goal, of writing every day this month, is already a big fat FAIL due to my own absentmindedness.
Still, I'm going to try and write consistently for the remainder of the month.  I've fallen off, and I don't want the habit of not writing to continue.  I doubt I'll finish a novel, but if I can make a decent amount of progress I'd be really pleased with myself.
Thanks for reading.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Changes (Poem)

I feel like I'm at a point where I can almost see my life changing, do you know what I mean?  So often you can look back & see where the change started, but not so often that you recognize it at the moment.  Which may be a blessing, because this feeling of looming, impending change is kind of intimidating, for me at least.  I am a creature of habit, I'm honestly not huge on change although there is a whole list of things I wish were different =)
Anyway, I am trying to keep myself motivated, not necessarily to do anything different, but motivated just to go with the flow, to not be resistant to the change that is sweeping through.  To not give in to timidity, but to stand forward & become bolder.
Shifting like a windswept dune
Changing the key of an old tune
Leading, not the one who's led
Let go of fear & forge ahead

How do you deal with change?  For well or ill, head on or grudgingly after the fact?
Thanks for reading.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I know I'm having a bad day when I make a "quick" stop at the liquor store & end up dropping almost $50.  Don't get me wrong, it was only 3 bottles, but they were pretty big bottles - Absolut Citron vodka, Arbor Mist blackberry merlot, and Bacardi pina colada on the rocks if you're curious.
Part of my bad mood was doubtless due to the rain ... all day grey & pouring down, making the hems of my jeans wet, making my hair frizz, making the traffic slow ... making me generally grumpy.  Work is hectic also, but work is always hectic somehow.
Anyway, I remember a while ago I posted that if I started posting here every time I wanted to rant, I would post a lot more LOL.  I don't know that I'm ranting, more kind of grumbling quietly at this point, but it's still venting & makes me feel a little better =)
Thanks for reading.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Holly's Tip - Do One Thing At A Time

This was the tip several weeks ago, and it sounded like a good idea at the time - but I knew & still know that it's something I fail at, in writing & in life.  I have trouble focusing on one thing exclusively for long periods of time.  Not exactly ADD, I mean I can sit & read a book cover to cover if it's something I enjoy & have time for - but at the same time, if I lose interest, I need to have something ready as a backup read.
It's even worse with writing.  I tell myself all the time I should be more organized, should do more outlining & storyboard type stuff, but half the time I never even get around to writing down plot lines that develop in my head while I'm at work or driving home.
I have been so busy lately it has been a challenge even keeping up one blog, let alone adding this one in, which I guess is my excuse for not posting since July.  But I swear hope springs eternal with me when it comes to this blog because I maintain the believe that eventually I will fit it in comfortably.  Even though at the moment, I didn't even realize that the one-year mark had come & gone until I sat down to write this post ... it was on September 6th if you're curious =)
I'm keeping my goal for the coming year simple:  post more than the past year.
Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Holly's Tip - Don't Mistake Expectations For Goals

Reading Holly Lisle's weekly newsletter always gets me thinking.  So I'm going to start attempting to organize my thoughts, and posting them here.  You can get your own copy of Holly's Newsletter by signing up at her site HERE.  This week she talked about goals vs. expectations, and how important it is to be able to tell the difference.
"Those things that you control are your goals. Those things that depend on ANYONE else but you are hopes, dreams, fantasies, or expectations, and it's important that you realize that they can NEVER become goals, no matter what you do.

If you do not control the means for creating and defining your own success, you are embracing fantasy."
This strikes a cord with me because I keep thinking other people are messing up my plans or goals.  When the truth is, if there's any way another person possibly could mess up my plan, it wasn't a plan - it was an expectation.
So, my personal goal for myself this week - is to set actual goals =)  Not that there's anything wrong with having an expectation - as long as I'm aware that's what it is.
Thanks for reading.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Lonely (Poem)

Everyone says 29 isn't old, and part of me realizes that ... while another part feels like I'm a good portion of the way to turning into one of those crazy old cat ladies ... Do I feel more lonely as I get older?  I don't know.  But I felt lonely today.

An aching, lonely, cold, dark road
Bent low beneath a painful load
But moving on, one step, then two
No other path, naught else to do

Thanks for reading.


Friday, July 2, 2010

25th Post ... Thoughts & A Short Poem

Hitting 500 posts on my other blog has made me keenly aware how little I post here.  I initially thought that creating this blog would kind of kick me in the butt & keep me being more creative (outside of my nails) but I've found that a lot of what I put on here is the stuff that I'm less secure about, which makes it harder to find things I'm comfortable putting out for anyone in the world to see, where the stuff I put up on MSLP is stuff I'm mainly totally confident about, and maybe that's the real difference between them, something I've had trouble defining before now.

This blog has also taken on a slightly different direction that I thought it would ... I've fallen off both drawing & story writing, and I've never posted any story pieces because that's mostly what I have - pieces of stories, that make sense to me because I see all the pieces as well as what's still in my head, but which might not make sense to anyone as a standalone.  But it has served as a ground for ranting, which is usually accompanied by at least a little poetry.  And aside from rants, some more introspective posts like this one.

I subscribe to a newsletter by Holly Lisle, and if you've never heard of her I would strongly encourage you to check out her website,, in particular the Newsletter section, which I look forward to receiving every week.  She's one of my favorite writers, and the subjects that she chooses to discuss always strike a cord with me.  One of this week's emails dealt with basically taking things as they are.

Holly is currently dealing with some medical problems, and the email talks, not about getting better or worse or dying, but:  What if this is the new normal - what if this is as good as it gets?  How do I do what I love if THIS is all I have to work with?

Whatever your "this" happens to be, how do you work through it?  I'll admit I have a lot of things to distract me, health-wise, job-wise, life-wise, and I don't always do a good job of working through them, of finding the time to fit in the things that I love and that make me happy in between all the bullshit.  But every now & then I have a moment of clarity, and I think "I CAN do it.  This is HOW I'm going to do it."  And often it doesn't last, one way or another, but sometimes the more positive objectivity stays with me even after I fall off the wagon.  If you haven't guessed, I'm going through one of those phases.  Re-working my life, re-working my schedule to try & structure it so that all the important things, all the things I love, have a place.  This blog should be one of those things, as I intended it to be.

My birthday is in less than 2 weeks.  Maybe that's what's prompted this latest change of heart, although I'm not sure if that's really what it should be called as I am trying to more truly follow my heart.  To reach for my dreams instead of wallowing in misery.  To deal with the now, with what I have to work with right now.  To accept my "this" even as I strive & believe that it is NOT all that I'll ever have to work with.

Lost my way, re-found the path
Found peace within the aftermath
Do what I love, do what I need
And do it well - I will succeed

Holly always ends her emails: "Write with joy."  I think that I do - I just need to do so more often.  Of course, although I do enjoy my own work, writing is also for others.  So thanks for reading.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010


I've come to the conclusion - for probably the hundredth or thousandth time - that I've got a rather volatile personality.  It really doesn't take much to make my mood swing from being perfectly happy to absolutely pissed off.  Bi-polar almost, although I've read that "real" bi-polar swings last 2-3 days.

The thing is, I have so many people ready to make me mad - perfect strangers at times, I get severe road-rage  with the quickness on a bad day - but I don't have anybody around to make me smile.  To give me a hug.  To just listen to me.  All I have to resort to is distraction, books, nails, blogs ... but it's all so solitary that I'm just reminded how much I hate being alone.  And then instead of going from mad to happy, or maybe just neutral, I just go from mad to sad.  Depressed.  Overly stressed.  And, still, lonely.  Which is just fucking retarded because I don't like most people & social situations make me physically ill.  There's a catch 22 for you.

Anyway, poetry has always been an outlet for me to vent through.  Well, maybe not always, but since I was a teenager, and all of my adult life.  I'm only learning lately that I can find as much relief in prose as in verse.  Thus these monthly rants followed by small snatches of whatever is churning inside of me put into poetry:

Sick to death of going solo
But scared stiff by the group
Marching off-beat of the drum
Feeling so out of the loop

Thanks for reading.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Poem: The Day Was

Hmmm, found this when I was going through my emails, trying to get caught up with comments & everything else.  I sent it to myself from work, using my "today is" starter.  It's all the way from back in March LOL, so I didn't want to call this post Today Is ... as it's the day that was.
Today is...

A Monday.  A day from hell
A day where my emotions swell
& burst ... & whet my thirst
For calm ... peace ... release
Physical release for forget
Mental release to relax
Allowing myself to let
The bad things just roll off

If only I could focus
If only I could dream
If only reality
Would let me sculpt myself a haven

Thanks for reading.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Today (Rant + Poem)

What a hell of a fucked up day at work.  Where should I start?  
The courtesy calls that we've had to do the last couple of weeks to help out another department?  Keep in mind that I HATE being on the phone PERIOD, especially much when I'm making a pointless call to stupid people who ask dumb questions?

Or maybe the guy who didn't like the answer my boss told me to give him & is now threatening legal action against the company?  This also involving lots of phone work that made my stomach churn

Or yet another phone call, for a child support order, to a place that couldn't even get our company name right, and why in the world don't these places have different forms for employees vs. subcontractors?!  Because we sure the hell have to keep them separate & it is a total hassle when something comes for one of our subs with "employee" "employer" & "employment" all over it.  

Or maybe the fact that even on a good day - which is rare - shit even on the best possible scenario of a day - which has never happened - I HATE my job?  Like the people ... some of them ... but really only stay there because it's stable & I need the insurance.

If you've ever heard the term, "too smart for your own good" I can tell you that they could very well have been talking about me.  I am a perfectionist, which will come as no surprise to any who've read me pick apart minor flaws in my manicures.  This means that if I find a problem, I can't ignore it without having it bother me - yet if I bring it to light, I know that I'm going to be held accountable for fixing it.  Even if I have no idea how & it's nowhere near my job description.


Getting this all off my chest now, before I do my yoga, so that afterward I can go to my happy place & blog about stuff that doesn't piss me totally off.  Hell, for sure I'll post more here if I use it as my ranting ground.  Because I could probably crank out a pretty good rant every day after work.  And even a little poem to go with it:
Too smart for my own good
Tired to the point I'm numb
Frustrated to the point of no return
Not smart enough to play it dumb

Thanks for reading.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Poem: Dragging

I haven't posted here in a while ... haven't been writing much, poetry or otherwise.  Which is probably good, considering I write less when I'm happy - an unfortunate situation.  But, I jotted this down today at work.  It touches on how I've been feeling the past ... well.  Not sad exactly, but tired, dragged down.

Each step drags a weight behind
Ethereal … all in my mind
A heavy burden, nonetheless
A sign, a symptom, of my stress

I thought at the time that I might add a few more lines ... didn't end up getting around to it.  Didn't end up getting around to a lot of things, today & in general.  So tired ... and being up this late is not helping I know.  But it's felt like the only way to get done even a fraction of what I want to.  My thoughts are on the right path, I'm just having trouble getting the rest of me there too LOL.

Thanks for reading.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Poem: Today Is...

When I used to have a writing class, in high school, we would start every day with a freewrite.  The teacher would draw a starter phrase out of a hat, and we would write.  It's something I've tried & failed, other times tried & succeeded & then fallen off again.  But as long as I try again I don't feel too bad..

Anyway, the starter that I've been trying to use lately, repeatedly, is "today is..." to get myself really thinking about each day, and see if I can find a way to write about it.  So. 

Today is...

A perfect day, a flawless moment
A bright memory etched in time
A gorgeous thing, a wondrous span
That deserves preservation in rhyme

I think I'm going to (try to) stop picking apart my work.  It doesn't serve any purpose really ... certainly not the purpose of this blog.  This is my place for writing ... good, bad or indifferent.  Not for picking apart said writing.  I do that plenty already ... probably too much.  Picking myself apart after the fact can tarnish  the pleasure that just writing it in the first place brings ... so I'm going to concentrate on that joy of writing more.

Thanks for reading.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Well, in an effort to write more (my notebook has been untouched for 2 weeks) and to post more (asI haven't posted here in 3 weeks) in addition to trying to be less of a perfectionist (since this is a rough first draft right out of my head) I have a poem (or poems?) to post today:

Waiting to be seen
And wanting to be heard
Loneliness so sharp
I can barely form the words

Holding hope inside
Holding pain at bay
Hoping that in time
I'll have something else to say

Not even sure if these 2 go together, but they came out together.  Not even sure if it matters if they go together LOL ... but no point in having this blog if I don't post.  Even if I'm shocked when I get more than 3 hits a day, the point is to have it out there.  Just the possibility that eyes other than my own may look on my words & ... something.  See what I'm trying to say, feel what I'm struggling feeling.  Feeling kind of jumbled at the moment, if you can't tell.  But a little less stressed than before I poured it into words.

Thanks for reading.


Thursday, January 28, 2010

Poem: Time

I have been writing, actually almost every day, just not anything lately that's fit to share.  So on the one hand I am living up to my resolution to write more, while at the same time slipping behind on my resolution to post more often here.  So I dug into my "archives" and found this.  It's over 10 years old, from 1998, but I still like it =)


Time moving, Time passing, Time winding along
Like the words and the verses of a sad, ancient song
Time going slowly and Time flying by
Flashing right past in the blink of an eye
Or Time standing still, a sudden freeze frame
Seeing ghosts of the past floating, calling your name
Falling into Time's tunnel, and looking around
Time passing, tick-tocking, the one lonely sound
And you know, looking into Infinity's flame
That Time's constant, eternal, and forever the same

I actually just found a large bunch of old poetry, so I'm going to be going through it as I have time.  So hopefully more to come ... if I don't let Time fly away & get the best of me LOL.  Thanks for reading.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010


My parents are arguing ... which they do a lot.  I suppose odds are high that Mom will eventually read this, although I'm not sure how much attention she, or anyone, pays to this blog, but it's really hard to listen to them & not let it effect me.  I broke up with my ex because we argued too much, and sometimes I wonder how, sometimes even why, my parents are still together.  It makes me want to cry.  The arguments themselves, what they argue over, the fact that most of the time I feel me being here doesn't help anything either, even though I'm contributing, even though I'm keeping food on the table I wonder if they'd be better off without me still here.  I may not be the stereotypical 30-year old in the basement, but I'm creeping up on that horrible milestone from my 2nd-floor bedroom.

I was in an OK place, almost a good place when I came home, now I feel myself slipping into a darker place.  A good place for writing LOL.  Ironic.  Or something.

They argue, squabble, speak hurtful words
While everything unsaid also goes unheard
True path untrod, true love unheeded
Unwell, unwanted, in the end, unneeded
Such comfort in a lover's arms

Until that comfort turns to harm
Intentionally push, push, close to the edge
Until you are pushed, pushed over the ledge
No warmth in the heart, no peace in the home
Although I am so lonely, I would rather be alone

When there's so much inside, I feel like I need a way to pour it out, and even dark poetry that I'm not totally happy with is a better outlet than what I used to do.  Venting/ranting helps a little too, which I didn't used to have an outlet for.  So even though under normal circumstances I might consider this TMI to post, I'm going to do so as a catharsis.

Thanks for reading.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Poem: Restless

Even yoga didn't settle me today.  I feel edgy & restless & unhappy for no particular reason.  I mean, I have a roof over my head, a job, food for dinner, all that shit you're supposed to appreciate & not take for granted ... It's not enough.  Not today.

Nothing wrong ... and yet, and still
My sorrow overcomes my will
My bitterness does overflow
& pulls me with it's undertow
Edgy, restless, no surcease
No hope left ... damn sure no peace

Sometimes I sound like a broken record even to myself.  LOL, how many times can I write a poem like this?  Lots more probably.  Unfortunately.  Oh well.  I'll pour myself a drink & do my nails & try to get to bed early & maybe feel better in the morning.

Thanks for reading.



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