This Blog is Not Dead

Even though I haven't posted since November (oops ...)  It's just ... I don't know, kind of in a vegetative state.  I sucked big time at NaNoWriMo, the last time I tried to get my butt back in gear writing - I wasn't aiming for a novel, but I thought I could manage a notebook.  Not even a particularly large notebook.  Suffice to say I didn't even get halfway to my goal =(

 

One of my (as yet unwritten) resolutions for this year is better time management.  Still working on it LOL.  Hopefully I will find a way to fit creativity other than my nails back into my life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

~Colette

Poem: Dragging

I haven't posted here in a while ... haven't been writing much, poetry or otherwise.  Which is probably good, considering I write less when I'm happy - an unfortunate situation.  But, I jotted this down today at work.  It touches on how I've been feeling the past ... well.  Not sad exactly, but tired, dragged down.

Each step drags a weight behind

Ethereal … all in my mind
A heavy burden, nonetheless
A sign, a symptom, of my stress

I thought at the time that I might add a few more lines ... didn't end up getting around to it.  Didn't end up getting around to a lot of things, today & in general.  So tired ... and being up this late is not helping I know.  But it's felt like the only way to get done even a fraction of what I want to.  My thoughts are on the right path, I'm just having trouble getting the rest of me there too LOL.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem

My parents are arguing ... which they do a lot.  I suppose odds are high that Mom will eventually read this, although I'm not sure how much attention she, or anyone, pays to this blog, but it's really hard to listen to them & not let it effect me.  I broke up with my ex because we argued too much, and sometimes I wonder how, sometimes even why, my parents are still together.  It makes me want to cry.  The arguments themselves, what they argue over, the fact that most of the time I feel me being here doesn't help anything either, even though I'm contributing, even though I'm keeping food on the table I wonder if they'd be better off without me still here.  I may not be the stereotypical 30-year old in the basement, but I'm creeping up on that horrible milestone from my 2nd-floor bedroom.

I was in an OK place, almost a good place when I came home, now I feel myself slipping into a darker place.  A good place for writing LOL.  Ironic.  Or something.

They argue, squabble, speak hurtful words

While everything unsaid also goes unheard

True path untrod, true love unheeded

Unwell, unwanted, in the end, unneeded
Such comfort in a lover's arms

Until that comfort turns to harm

Intentionally push, push, close to the edge

Until you are pushed, pushed over the ledge

No warmth in the heart, no peace in the home

Although I am so lonely, I would rather be alone

When there's so much inside, I feel like I need a way to pour it out, and even dark poetry that I'm not totally happy with is a better outlet than what I used to do.  Venting/ranting helps a little too, which I didn't used to have an outlet for.  So even though under normal circumstances I might consider this TMI to post, I'm going to do so as a catharsis.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Dreary Day

Not actually having a very good day. I looked outside earlier, and even though some of the leaves are still pretty, it's turning into a dreary season, with everything dead & brown & crappy looking before it gets covered up with snow ... which I don't particularly like either, but I can appreciate the beauty better than autumn after the leaves have fallen.

Anyway, the stark image of a tree against the clouds kind of stuck in my head & rattled around up there with a few words & the generally empty feeling I've had this week & when I came home I wrote this:

A cold, grey sky
A leafless tree
A lonely heart
A loveless me

If I were on American Idol, I think Simon would tell me I'm being indulgent LOL. But, little though I care for being unhappy, if there's a downside it's that it makes me think of writing even when I don't actually write anything. And seeing as it's been a week again somehow, I obviously should be writing more. So this is something.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette