Dark Poem

I think I'm doing better, but I frequently have moments of ... well, not-so-better I guess.  I enjoy having my nails done, but I'm not really enjoying doing them ... still behind on the blog ... and periodically going through black moods, which is always when I seem to write more & maybe even better?  I've never had a happy poem I like as well as my dark poems.  And sometimes they're literal, and sometimes they're more metaphorical - you're welcome to take it in whichever way it speaks to you.

Speed bumps like mountains in my path

So much pain, and fear, and wrath

Looking down ... contemplating old scars

Distant - it's been so many years

And yet ... the thought is there, the urge

To purge with blood instead of tears

I wrote that sometime last week, although I didn't date it so I'm not sure exactly when.  But I thought I'd post it up because it's been such a long time since I put up any poems.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Changes (Poem)

I feel like I'm at a point where I can almost see my life changing, do you know what I mean?  So often you can look back & see where the change started, but not so often that you recognize it at the moment.  Which may be a blessing, because this feeling of looming, impending change is kind of intimidating, for me at least.  I am a creature of habit, I'm honestly not huge on change although there is a whole list of things I wish were different =)

 

Anyway, I am trying to keep myself motivated, not necessarily to do anything different, but motivated just to go with the flow, to not be resistant to the change that is sweeping through.  To not give in to timidity, but to stand forward & become bolder.

 

Shifting like a windswept dune

Changing the key of an old tune

Leading, not the one who's led

Let go of fear & forge ahead

How do you deal with change?  For well or ill, head on or grudgingly after the fact?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

~Colette

Lonely (Poem)

Everyone says 29 isn't old, and part of me realizes that ... while another part feels like I'm a good portion of the way to turning into one of those crazy old cat ladies ... Do I feel more lonely as I get older?  I don't know.  But I felt lonely today.

An aching, lonely, cold, dark road
Bent low beneath a painful load
But moving on, one step, then two
No other path, naught else to do

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

25th Post ... Thoughts & A Short Poem

Hitting 500 posts on my other blog has made me keenly aware how little I post here.  I initially thought that creating this blog would kind of kick me in the butt & keep me being more creative (outside of my nails) but I've found that a lot of what I put on here is the stuff that I'm less secure about, which makes it harder to find things I'm comfortable putting out for anyone in the world to see, where the stuff I put up on MSLP is stuff I'm mainly totally confident about, and maybe that's the real difference between them, something I've had trouble defining before now.

This blog has also taken on a slightly different direction that I thought it would ... I've fallen off both drawing & story writing, and I've never posted any story pieces because that's mostly what I have - pieces of stories, that make sense to me because I see all the pieces as well as what's still in my head, but which might not make sense to anyone as a standalone.  But it has served as a ground for ranting, which is usually accompanied by at least a little poetry.  And aside from rants, some more introspective posts like this one.

I subscribe to a newsletter by Holly Lisle, and if you've never heard of her I would strongly encourage you to check out her website, http://hollylisle.com/, in particular the Newsletter section, which I look forward to receiving every week.  She's one of my favorite writers, and the subjects that she chooses to discuss always strike a cord with me.  One of this week's emails dealt with basically taking things as they are.

Holly is currently dealing with some medical problems, and the email talks, not about getting better or worse or dying, but:  What if this is the new normal - what if this is as good as it gets?  How do I do what I love if THIS is all I have to work with?

Whatever your "this" happens to be, how do you work through it?  I'll admit I have a lot of things to distract me, health-wise, job-wise, life-wise, and I don't always do a good job of working through them, of finding the time to fit in the things that I love and that make me happy in between all the bullshit.  But every now & then I have a moment of clarity, and I think "I CAN do it.  This is HOW I'm going to do it."  And often it doesn't last, one way or another, but sometimes the more positive objectivity stays with me even after I fall off the wagon.  If you haven't guessed, I'm going through one of those phases.  Re-working my life, re-working my schedule to try & structure it so that all the important things, all the things I love, have a place.  This blog should be one of those things, as I intended it to be.

My birthday is in less than 2 weeks.  Maybe that's what's prompted this latest change of heart, although I'm not sure if that's really what it should be called as I am trying to more truly follow my heart.  To reach for my dreams instead of wallowing in misery.  To deal with the now, with what I have to work with right now.  To accept my "this" even as I strive & believe that it is NOT all that I'll ever have to work with.

Lost my way, re-found the path

Found peace within the aftermath
Do what I love, do what I need
And do it well - I will succeed

Holly always ends her emails: "Write with joy."  I think that I do - I just need to do so more often.  Of course, although I do enjoy my own work, writing is also for others.  So thanks for reading.

~Colette

Volatility

I've come to the conclusion - for probably the hundredth or thousandth time - that I've got a rather volatile personality.  It really doesn't take much to make my mood swing from being perfectly happy to absolutely pissed off.  Bi-polar almost, although I've read that "real" bi-polar swings last 2-3 days.

The thing is, I have so many people ready to make me mad - perfect strangers at times, I get severe road-rage  with the quickness on a bad day - but I don't have anybody around to make me smile.  To give me a hug.  To just listen to me.  All I have to resort to is distraction, books, nails, blogs ... but it's all so solitary that I'm just reminded how much I hate being alone.  And then instead of going from mad to happy, or maybe just neutral, I just go from mad to sad.  Depressed.  Overly stressed.  And, still, lonely.  Which is just fucking retarded because I don't like most people & social situations make me physically ill.  There's a catch 22 for you.

Anyway, poetry has always been an outlet for me to vent through.  Well, maybe not always, but since I was a teenager, and all of my adult life.  I'm only learning lately that I can find as much relief in prose as in verse.  Thus these monthly rants followed by small snatches of whatever is churning inside of me put into poetry:

Sick to death of going solo

But scared stiff by the group

Marching off-beat of the drum

Feeling so out of the loop

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem: The Day Was

Hmmm, found this when I was going through my emails, trying to get caught up with comments & everything else.  I sent it to myself from work, using my "today is" starter.  It's all the way from back in March LOL, so I didn't want to call this post Today Is ... as it's the day that was.

 

Today is...

A Monday.  A day from hell

A day where my emotions swell

& burst ... & whet my thirst

For calm ... peace ... release

 

Physical release for forget

Mental release to relax

Allowing myself to let

The bad things just roll off

If only I could focus

If only I could dream

If only reality

Would let me sculpt myself a haven

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Today (Rant + Poem)

What a hell of a fucked up day at work.  Where should I start?  

 

The courtesy calls that we've had to do the last couple of weeks to help out another department?  Keep in mind that I HATE being on the phone PERIOD, especially much when I'm making a pointless call to stupid people who ask dumb questions?

Or maybe the guy who didn't like the answer my boss told me to give him & is now threatening legal action against the company?  This also involving lots of phone work that made my stomach churn

Or yet another phone call, for a child support order, to a place that couldn't even get our company name right, and why in the world don't these places have different forms for employees vs. subcontractors?!  Because we sure the hell have to keep them separate & it is a total hassle when something comes for one of our subs with "employee" "employer" & "employment" all over it.  

Or maybe the fact that even on a good day - which is rare - shit even on the best possible scenario of a day - which has never happened - I HATE my job?  Like the people ... some of them ... but really only stay there because it's stable & I need the insurance.

If you've ever heard the term, "too smart for your own good" I can tell you that they could very well have been talking about me.  I am a perfectionist, which will come as no surprise to any who've read me pick apart minor flaws in my manicures.  This means that if I find a problem, I can't ignore it without having it bother me - yet if I bring it to light, I know that I'm going to be held accountable for fixing it.  Even if I have no idea how & it's nowhere near my job description.

/sigh

Getting this all off my chest now, before I do my yoga, so that afterward I can go to my happy place & blog about stuff that doesn't piss me totally off.  Hell, for sure I'll post more here if I use it as my ranting ground.  Because I could probably crank out a pretty good rant every day after work.  And even a little poem to go with it:

 

Too smart for my own good

Tired to the point I'm numb

Frustrated to the point of no return

Not smart enough to play it dumb

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem: Dragging

I haven't posted here in a while ... haven't been writing much, poetry or otherwise.  Which is probably good, considering I write less when I'm happy - an unfortunate situation.  But, I jotted this down today at work.  It touches on how I've been feeling the past ... well.  Not sad exactly, but tired, dragged down.

Each step drags a weight behind

Ethereal … all in my mind
A heavy burden, nonetheless
A sign, a symptom, of my stress

I thought at the time that I might add a few more lines ... didn't end up getting around to it.  Didn't end up getting around to a lot of things, today & in general.  So tired ... and being up this late is not helping I know.  But it's felt like the only way to get done even a fraction of what I want to.  My thoughts are on the right path, I'm just having trouble getting the rest of me there too LOL.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem: Today Is...

When I used to have a writing class, in high school, we would start every day with a freewrite.  The teacher would draw a starter phrase out of a hat, and we would write.  It's something I've tried & failed, other times tried & succeeded & then fallen off again.  But as long as I try again I don't feel too bad..

Anyway, the starter that I've been trying to use lately, repeatedly, is "today is..." to get myself really thinking about each day, and see if I can find a way to write about it.  So. 

Today is...

A perfect day, a flawless moment

A bright memory etched in time

A gorgeous thing, a wondrous span

That deserves preservation in rhyme

I think I'm going to (try to) stop picking apart my work.  It doesn't serve any purpose really ... certainly not the purpose of this blog.  This is my place for writing ... good, bad or indifferent.  Not for picking apart said writing.  I do that plenty already ... probably too much.  Picking myself apart after the fact can tarnish  the pleasure that just writing it in the first place brings ... so I'm going to concentrate on that joy of writing more.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem

Well, in an effort to write more (my notebook has been untouched for 2 weeks) and to post more (asI haven't posted here in 3 weeks) in addition to trying to be less of a perfectionist (since this is a rough first draft right out of my head) I have a poem (or poems?) to post today:

Waiting to be seen

And wanting to be heard

Loneliness so sharp

I can barely form the words

Holding hope inside

Holding pain at bay

Hoping that in time

I'll have something else to say

Not even sure if these 2 go together, but they came out together.  Not even sure if it matters if they go together LOL ... but no point in having this blog if I don't post.  Even if I'm shocked when I get more than 3 hits a day, the point is to have it out there.  Just the possibility that eyes other than my own may look on my words & ... something.  See what I'm trying to say, feel what I'm struggling feeling.  Feeling kind of jumbled at the moment, if you can't tell.  But a little less stressed than before I poured it into words.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem: Time

I have been writing, actually almost every day, just not anything lately that's fit to share.  So on the one hand I am living up to my resolution to write more, while at the same time slipping behind on my resolution to post more often here.  So I dug into my "archives" and found this.  It's over 10 years old, from 1998, but I still like it =)

Time

Time moving, Time passing, Time winding along
Like the words and the verses of a sad, ancient song
Time going slowly and Time flying by
Flashing right past in the blink of an eye
Or Time standing still, a sudden freeze frame
Seeing ghosts of the past floating, calling your name
Falling into Time's tunnel, and looking around
Time passing, tick-tocking, the one lonely sound
And you know, looking into Infinity's flame
That Time's constant, eternal, and forever the same

I actually just found a large bunch of old poetry, so I'm going to be going through it as I have time.  So hopefully more to come ... if I don't let Time fly away & get the best of me LOL.  Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem

My parents are arguing ... which they do a lot.  I suppose odds are high that Mom will eventually read this, although I'm not sure how much attention she, or anyone, pays to this blog, but it's really hard to listen to them & not let it effect me.  I broke up with my ex because we argued too much, and sometimes I wonder how, sometimes even why, my parents are still together.  It makes me want to cry.  The arguments themselves, what they argue over, the fact that most of the time I feel me being here doesn't help anything either, even though I'm contributing, even though I'm keeping food on the table I wonder if they'd be better off without me still here.  I may not be the stereotypical 30-year old in the basement, but I'm creeping up on that horrible milestone from my 2nd-floor bedroom.

I was in an OK place, almost a good place when I came home, now I feel myself slipping into a darker place.  A good place for writing LOL.  Ironic.  Or something.

They argue, squabble, speak hurtful words

While everything unsaid also goes unheard

True path untrod, true love unheeded

Unwell, unwanted, in the end, unneeded
Such comfort in a lover's arms

Until that comfort turns to harm

Intentionally push, push, close to the edge

Until you are pushed, pushed over the ledge

No warmth in the heart, no peace in the home

Although I am so lonely, I would rather be alone

When there's so much inside, I feel like I need a way to pour it out, and even dark poetry that I'm not totally happy with is a better outlet than what I used to do.  Venting/ranting helps a little too, which I didn't used to have an outlet for.  So even though under normal circumstances I might consider this TMI to post, I'm going to do so as a catharsis.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem: Restless

Even yoga didn't settle me today.  I feel edgy & restless & unhappy for no particular reason.  I mean, I have a roof over my head, a job, food for dinner, all that shit you're supposed to appreciate & not take for granted ... It's not enough.  Not today.

Nothing wrong ... and yet, and still

My sorrow overcomes my will

My bitterness does overflow

& pulls me with it's undertow

Edgy, restless, no surcease

No hope left ... damn sure no peace

Sometimes I sound like a broken record even to myself.  LOL, how many times can I write a poem like this?  Lots more probably.  Unfortunately.  Oh well.  I'll pour myself a drink & do my nails & try to get to bed early & maybe feel better in the morning.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem: The Day Before Christmas

Something on a happy note for a change. Inspired by the classic Night Before Christmas poem, here's my take, just a quick fun idea I wanted to share:

'Twas the day before Christmas
And I just had to smirk
As all of this white stuff
Got me a snow-day from work

Shovelling, and scraping
& chipping the ice
Try not to be naughty
& remember to be nice

So that Santa remembers
To bring me a gift
Of course he's real!
If not, I'd be miffed

With flakes drifting down
& gilding the branches
Coating the roadways
We'll still take our chances

To gather with family
& celebrate with friends
To relax & to give thanks
'Til the holiday ends

So bring on the spirit
& maybe the spirits too =)
Drink eggnog, eat cookies
Enjoy what families do

Until the day is done once more
& to home we have returned
Another year, a memory
A respite we have earned

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, have fun & be safe. Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Poem: Giving Up

The problem with being a perfectionist is that nothing ever gets done ... I wrote this a few days ago, maybe a little over a week & had intentions of going back to polish it up & didn't. But it's not bad even as a first draft. And cobwebs were starting to develop around here ... I'm in a better mood now, but wasn't at the time:

Giving up hope
That anyone will ever understand
Or simply hold my hand
And say things will be alright

Giving up hope
That I will ever find love, or peace
Or contentment, or sweet release
And someone to hold at night

Giving up hope
That I will ever be a part
Of something else, instead of apart
From everyone, in any light

I've got some other ideas to get some more posts flowing over here, but I'm thinking they may not come to fruition until after all this holiday mess. I've got a lot of baking to do this week, so I know I'll be busy trying to fit in normal stuff, let alone new things.

I've got 2 batches of cake balls to make, 2 batches of what I've taken to calling fruity foldovers, both of those recipes for the family cookie exchange this weekend. And then 2 batches of PBB cookies - Peanut-Butter-Butterscotch which is my required dessert at work LOL, I get in lots of trouble if I switch it up with anything else. Plus a hair appointment on Wednesday & and going Thursday to cookie-cut & bake with grandma like 5 or maybe 6 batches of sugar cookies for frosting on Saturday. Cookie pics will show up on MSLP if I remember to take some before eating everything LOL =)

Thanks for reading

~Colette

Dreary Day

Not actually having a very good day. I looked outside earlier, and even though some of the leaves are still pretty, it's turning into a dreary season, with everything dead & brown & crappy looking before it gets covered up with snow ... which I don't particularly like either, but I can appreciate the beauty better than autumn after the leaves have fallen.

Anyway, the stark image of a tree against the clouds kind of stuck in my head & rattled around up there with a few words & the generally empty feeling I've had this week & when I came home I wrote this:

A cold, grey sky
A leafless tree
A lonely heart
A loveless me

If I were on American Idol, I think Simon would tell me I'm being indulgent LOL. But, little though I care for being unhappy, if there's a downside it's that it makes me think of writing even when I don't actually write anything. And seeing as it's been a week again somehow, I obviously should be writing more. So this is something.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Trick Or Treat

OK, this is almost a little absurd, inspired by Poe's The Raven, and it's quite old, I think from 2003 although it's dated incompletely in the notebook. It managed to put a smile on my face when I came across it, and I thought I might as well post it up since I've got some Halloween-ness going on over at MSLP too:

Once upon an evening yearly
The youngest come out the most early
Dressed as the most quaint & curious creatures you could meet
Whilst you chill in you chair, rocking
There will come a steady knocking
And the pitter-patterting of little feet
Quoth the children "Trick or treat!"

Now, I've always been most keen
On this holiday called Halloween
On this date with theme so neat
Wind blowing gently, through the trees & soughing
On this night some still call Samhain
And people stand with candy, ready to greet
The children crying "Trick or treat!"

I used to be able to recite all of The Raven - and for some reason I want to say it's 18 stanzas long, but seriously don't quote me - because I just thought it was one of the coolest poems ever. Well, I still think that, but I wouldn't put money on myself remembering more than a quarter of it after all these years LOL.

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Depression Awareness Month

Scrangie's post gave me lots of food for thought. Regarding where I am vs. where I have been ...

I am trying really hard to post like once a week here. But time slips away from me & suddenly it's been 8 or 9 days ... anyway, I dug out some old stuff, this is the end section of a poem I still thought was half decent, from 2002:

I see black
alone
I see blue
pain
I see red
anger
I see nothing
myself
falling
crushed
broken
hopeless
lost
in my blindness
and blinded
by too much
too much thought
too much stress
too much less
less release
less peace
less me
less certainty
in everything

Thanks for reading.

~Colette

Yoga Poem

I'm having a rough day. Very frustrated with myself, to sum up what's really bothering me, on top of everything else that a stressful workday entails. I realized earlier it had been a while since I posted on this blog, and intended to find something old to share. But then I sat down, before I changed clothes, and a thought came into my head that turned into another thought & turned into a rough little piece of verse.

Yoga helps with everything. And so that's what I'm going to do in a moment, but this is what that thought brought out of me:

Breathe, exhale, and center find
Calm, be still, and clear my mind
All that came before, put behind
And let every knot unbind

Let every worry drift away
Let every black pain fade to grey
Don't allow fear to have it's say
Let peace uplift, at least today

I should do my yoga every day. Because when I am done, I am at peace. So I'm off to go find that peace, little though it feels possible at the moment. Hopefully you have something that can bring you a little peace too =) Thanks for reading.

~Colette

No Reason

Some people sing in the shower ... I compose poetry LOL. I don't usually have time to write any of it down, since my morning routine is timed to the millisecond (I usually punch in at work at maybe 6:28 on the early end ... I start at 6:30), but this stuck in my head long enough to make it to paper. Not quite happy, but happier than normal. Not the greatest, not polished at all (this is the way it came out of my head the first time), but good enough to share:

No reason not to switch it up
No reason not to change
No reason not to make things normal
That once would have been strange
No reason not to suck it up
And go that extra mile
No reason not to be happy
No reason not to smile

Thanks for reading.

~Colette